Let me tell you… it’s someplace between daunting, scary, and completely insane at times, had PTSD for only a decade now. Life is like needing to die one minute, to hopeful about a future, the next minute. I guess its a rollercoaster, is a good term for it.
To be honest, I actually have hated talking to a therapist about myself. I’m not the most feeling type of person. Someone said, “hey, why not get out what’s in your head, write online, and see what happens.” Ok, so here I am.
When depression strikes me, I feel like an useless zombie. I lay on the couch watching TV doing not much of anything. I feel useless. A speck of nothing in life. Well… I figure we're all specks of nothing in the scheme of life… but its a horrible feeling that I don’t wish upon anyone. It's further depressing merely considering it.
I attempted to take my life once, about a year after diagnosis. I was this soldier, squared away as a SGT in the Army, was promoting through the positions far faster than the majority and had high marks in everything. I thought life was laid out for me. Just WOW, was I wrong.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hung up on that part of my life. It was a good part of my life that I actually appreciated and am proud about. If anything, it's something I aspire to be again — practical and a contributing member of society once again.
Pals attempted to get me smoking marijuana, as some of them use it to treat themselves. Well… let me just tell you, they’ve gone from squared away soldiers, to enduring PTSD to fucken junkies now. No thanks. When I used alcohol to help control the negativity I felt, fighting alcohol was a significant enough issue for me. The fury, rage, chaos inside of me. I would drink until I passed out. Atleast then I wasn't a risk to others, or myself.
I got into a lot of fights during that time, broke bones, broke others bones... I wasn't a nice person. I didn't recognise myself, to be honest. I am happy that that is not me today... I beat the monkey from my back.
That was a really good eye opener for looking at the pro's and con's of trying to fix PTSD with marijuana.
Dont's get me started on SSRI’s, they nearly killed me… that was back when I nearly killed myself. The rationale was that the anti depressant that my doctor gave me made me more miserable. Who knew ha? The pill to fix a difficulty, one of the main side effects was that it made that precise issue considerably worse.
Geez… what a learning curve that's been. No more pills for me… I 'd rather my heart feel like it wants to jump from my torso than put pharmaceuticals down my throat for a mental health problem which looks… physicians actually don't have any factual evidence on the best way to treat. Scams… come to mind.
Alright here I am, on the best way to treat my own crap. It's become my life… It's who I am now, a journey to discover the best way to treat this unseen killer I carry within me.
My assignment has only changed from military to finding a treatment regime that works for me, personally.
If I don't help myself... then who the hell is going to fix me?