My Review of Six Wineries By Mary Something

As written in barely 15 minutes by @danharmon and inspired by @mctinney

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  1. EDITOR'S NOTE - I didn't write the "review" - in this Storify I only curated the Twitter exchange that prompted it and memorialized the amazing final product. I felt compelled to do so because I have some experience with writing real fast for a living and I also know a thing or two about procrastination. Enjoy ...
  2. Dan Harmon · @danharmon
    1st Dec 2014 from TwitLonger
    @mctinney My Review of Six Wineries by Mary Something

  3. This is my review of six wineries by Mary

    Winery 1 is a bullshit winery, it’s not even a real winery, it’s full of shit instead of wine. I hate it. Someone should shut it down. When you pull up to the winery, which isn’t a winery, a guy greets you but he’s mean. Welcome to the winery, he says, but he’s full of shit because it’s not a fucking winery.

    Winery 2 is just okay. It’s like, okay, there’s grapes and then there’s a place where the grapes get made old and turn into wine in barrels and there’s another place where you can put them in bottles if you want to take some home. I mean there was nothing really bad about it but also it wasn’t like blowing my mind, it was just the basic things I would expect from a winery.

    Winery 3 was the best fucking winery that’s ever existed, there were seven people in every aisle of barrels all asking if they could help you find a barrel that you wanted, or if you wanted a better kind of grape, they would take you back out to the vineyard and help you find a grape. I still want to go back to this winery all the time because it was the best one. Also there was this guy and we made out, I’m not saying that’s why it was the best but I feel like the reason we made out is because it’s a beautiful winery and very romantic so I include that fact, I made out with a cute guy in the back of this winery, his name was Keith and he tried to take it farther but I didn’t want to do something I’d regret when I came down from the wine-high which is what they call it when you drink it.

    Winery 4 was an interesting departure from a winery because it was up in the sky hovering on a platform made from some kind of rare earth magnet powered by room temperature fusion reactors that themselves were housed on the winery, so the whole winery was floating. I thought it was cool while going up to it in the balloon but once you’re on it, all you can see is clouds around you which is basically the same as fog, so you’re walking around in fog and you could fall off. Plus it seemed like they put more energy into the floating than the wine.

    Winery 5 had great barrels but terrible bottles. The barrels were shaped like giant bottles, I think they do this because they know their bottles are bad so they try to put their strength into their weakness. Either that or it’s more insidious like they want to be able to confuse you, so if you complain about a bottle, they’ll be like, “you mean the big bottles made of wood,” well, no, asshole, of course that’s not what I mean but I can see how they could use this technique to prey on the naive. I am not such a person, I know my wineries so I give this place three grapes which is bad.

    Winery 6 I would have to give six rotten grapes, which is the highest score (two fresh grapes is lower, seven fresh grapes is worse because wine needs rotten grapes so fresh grapes are bad and the more you have the less wine you can make I guess). I know I didn’t give each winery a grape score except for the last two but that’s okay because the first wineries were kind of off the chart in various senses. These last two were just good old fashioned wineries, one better than the other. This one was the best but not as good as the one where I met Keith but whatever I’m starting to think that Keith was the reason I gave that other winery so much praise and as I’m writing this last paragraph I’m also looking at his Facebook page and his status is “in a relationship” so he’s either a lying piece of shit or he’s so lazy that he doesn’t change his status and either way I can do better.

    My name is Mary I went to 6 wineries and these were my thoughts on them I hope your magazine likes this. I’m sorry also that my review doesn’t technically pass the bechdel test because I kind of ended up defining myself as a character by my relationship with this douchebag Keith who really wasn’t worth it. Wine is important, men are not, I’m not being reverse sexist I’m just saying wine is a better focus for a modern woman’s energy, my name is Mary, thank you for reading, I hope this is 4,000 words.
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