What Father's Day gifts really mean

Sunday is Father’s Day, according to Hallmark, and fathers everywhere will receive highly meaningful things that will be promptly placed in the attic. But what do the gifts actually mean? We conducted a thorough investigation over the course of five minutes and have developed conclusive evidence that we don’t know what we’re talking about.

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  1. So, if you are a dad and you receive a gift, here’s a guide to help you decipher just how much your family dislikes you. (FYI: If you are not a dad and you received a gift, you are probably a dad).

  2. 1. ‘No. 1 Dad’ stuff. If you received a mug, hat, or any other thing that reads ‘No. 1 Dad,’ it means that your are not No. 1 Dad. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have gotten this awful gift.
    Then again, it could be worse, You could have gotten ‘No. 3 Dad’ stuff. Ouch.

  3. 2. Electric back-shaver. What your loved ones are really telling you with this gift is that you are grossing them out, Hair Ball. Memorable mention: Deodorants and cologne, which mean you also stink.
  4. 3. Paper weight. A classic Father’s Day gift. The message? “Here’s a rock. You can throw this away.”
  5. 4. An ashtray. The not-so-subtle message conveyed with this gift is that your family can’t wait until you die from smoking and that they’ll do anything to speed up the process.
  6. 5. A bottle opener. Your family knows you are an alcoholic. Bonus points if the opener is engraved with “Your family knows you are an alcoholic.” Also, see No. 4.

  7. 6. “Fatherhood for Dummies” or “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Fatherhood.” Since you are a dummy and an idiot, let us spell this out for you: Your family thinks you are a dummy. And an idiot.
  8. Fatherhood for Dummies
    Fatherhood for Dummies
  9. Fatherhood for Dummies
    Fatherhood for Dummies
  10. 7. Socks or ties. The time spent coming up with this great idea is the time spent thinking of you. Bonus point if you get a T-shirt with a tie drawn on it.
  11. 8. Lawn mower. Your family can’t stand you and would prefer if you do some free labor, somewhere away from them.
  12. Warning: Don't Run Over Babies With The Lawn Mower
    Warning: Don't Run Over Babies With The Lawn Mower
  13. 9. A singing fish. “Big Mouth Billy Bass” went out of style when it first appeared more than a decade ago. It can be found in yard sales, and it’s a sure sign that your loved ones want to annoy you with an animatronic singing prop.

  14. Billy... Take Me to The River
  15. 10. A card. Cards are a thing of beauty. They can convey the deepest of emotions without actually having to articulate such emotions. There also is something very sweet about them, especially the fact that your relatives are really telling you that they don’t want to talk to you and, therefore, they’ll deliver a message to you in the form of a piece of dead tree.
  16. Dad, thanks for not being involved in a nationwide cybersex scandal while mom was pregnant with me.
    Dad, thanks for not being involved in a nationwide cybersex scandal while mom was pregnant with me.
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