14 days, 336 hours. Two weeks. To the infertility community it's 2WW or the dreaded two-week wait. It's hell, it's long, it's just how long you want enough time felt when you had been in Hawaii or falling in love. My 2WW started after our first round of IVF with me on an obligatory 72hr. bed rest, great, right? Not too simple, it let my mind wander and obsess on every twinge I felt in my nether regions. Cramps? Hmm must be implantation cramping. Note to self if I start spotting it is implantation spotting and by no means must be confused with my period. My boobs are bigger and although most of the hormones I have been injecting into my belly sure as hell could possibly be the reason behind the puberty like surge I'm still comforted while laying during intercourse by the distinct possibility my two embryos are burrowing in and changing my body to provide baby nourishment. I tune in to my IVF meditation tapes. My progress is punctuated by the title of the CD "Post Transfer: Week hands down the 2 Week Wait" I started with the pre-injection CD. Now at the least 50 injections later I'm listening to a peaceful voice telling me to visualize my embryos growing and strengthening. I hear my IF doctor "70% chance, these embryos are beautiful." I always knew my husband and I will make beautiful babies. I focus on the picture we've taped to the closet door facing me, the pictures of the 2 embryos we transferred and the 3 we froze, siblings for the 2 we've growing. I'm happy with myself. We caused it to be this far and it will work. That is all before I knew it didn't. That is all during the 2WW that I came to find out was similar to heaven than hell because hell is knowing it failed. Because during the 2WW I believed, I felt, I lived like I was pregnant.
But back to me lying in bed. I cheated once, well what I consider cheating, I went on the Internet. Which simultaneously is the infertile women's best friend and greatest enemy. It supports our grandiose ideas of how to get pregnant, (back once we believed that meant having a lot of sex) like propping a cushion under our hips after sex to assist the sperm in traveling north. It also offers stories of women drinking green tea for weeks just before embryo transfer, eating only leafy vegetables and wearing socks constantly because cold feet equals a cold uterus. I was scanning this in June, in California, stuck during intercourse trying to angle my body nearer to the AC and fan. What?? Why didn't my doctor tell me that most my issues were due to a lack of green in my diet? Shoot, what do I do now? My embryos are already implanting and I haven't been eating greens such as for instance a rabbit although there is lettuce on my tostada last night I doubt that's what the ladies on the Internet had in mind. I am aware my uterus is cold, I'm hormonal I'm having hot flashes and the thought of socks is all about as pleasant as starting the 2WW over again. Why did I research the Internet? I'd done so well, I even avoided The Nest (read infertile girls Bible). I tell myself and ask my mother and husband to re-affirm that not merely have I'd enough greens but also my uterus is warm and cozy enough for my growing embryos. I feel much better for a little while. My embryos are warm and floating in green leafy vegetables. Ok, some damage was done to my post transfer psyche but I believe with a little help from my CDs my mind is going to be back once again to baby burrowing.
And then bed rest was over and I entered the living, breathing world surrounded by people who'd no idea my body was creating a miracle right then and there. It had been all I really could think of, all I wanted to talk about. I scheduled my Beta appointment. On the 30th I would learn I was pregnant. Just a little over a week to go.
Then I did what most everyone told me never to do. I tested. Most of us infertile gals have an instance load of pregnancy tests remaining from early days of conception or pre-diagnosis. I'd at the least 12 still and there is a woman on The Nest (ok, I internetted more than once but I wanted confirmation that cramping was normal) that got a positive 5 days after transfer, it's Sunday and it's day 5. I break the cardinal rule and don't use my first pee of the morning. I wait the allotted time, which felt just so long as the entire two weeks. I look, it's negative. But surely the lady on the Internet was an unusual case of a positive that early. I show my husband and he confirms that it's way too early and he scolds me for cheating and he's not speaing frankly about internetting, I'd promised I wouldn't test. I'm bad. I'm un-pregnant. My gut informs me it's not too early, my gut informs me it's over. I wake through to day 6 so that's 24 hours of increasing HCG and yes, I test again. It's still negative. I pour over every Google article reading only those who affirm what I pray does work, it's too early for a positive I tell myself as I start crying. It's not over, it can't be. 70% could not need turned into 30% in just a couple days. I ask my husband to full cover up the remaining tests. He does so gladly and I'm happy with myself for not peeking when he hides them.