I came home today to a parcel from an unknown sender. Turns out it was from LELO. Since fellow sex-ed human is visiting, and I am generally inquisitive, we had to open one.
May damage nail polish? Cold cream as lube? WTF is this recommendation to see a doctor before using condoms for non-vaginal penetration? I do not like this pamphlet.
About this time, as I prepared to extract the condom, I realised we might need some supplies...
I then proceeded to rummage, one-handed, through my dildo bins to find something to unroll this on. The whole time, the hex remained dangling from my pinched fingertips- like a really smelly diaper.
It wasn't until I attempted to insert an entire finger into one of the pinpricks that the condom lost structural integrity. WTF is that business. You call yourself a condom? Pssht.
I now have a pile of gross, slimy, broken condoms. Atop a folded-up piece of toilet paper. On my coffee table. We're not sure what to do with it.
And then I noticed this...
That is the most phallo-centric STI prevention copy I have ever read in my life. What. Thefuck.
I'm going to go wash my hands now. A lot.