It looks more and more like this Glastonbury will be a tough one. Animals will be walking two by two, iPhones and Blackberrys will finally come together as they slide down mud banks into communication oblivion, and, yes, your clothes will be ruined. But you can STILL HAVE the time of your life. You just have to try hard enough. And do any of the below...
1. Lie to yourself
You've paid the money. You're already there. People say it's the most amazing experience of your life, and even though it feels miserable, and confusing, and uncomfortable - what's to say that those things aren't what 'amazing' feels like? Could this many people really be wrong? Isn't it more likely that your feelings are wrong? Try again. Think about it. Think about it. Isn't that Coldplay in the distance? Isn't this GREAT?
2. Lie to other people
Memory is a funny thing. Though I spent Glastonbury 2007 in various stages of a nervous breakdown, going back to my tent at 10pm every night for my scheduled cry, I remember it fondly. Why? Because of lying. I couldn't quite trick myself, but I didn't need to. Every time I ran into someone who I hadn't recently sobbed or vomited on, I told them about the fabulous time I was having, and how pleased I was to be there. When I went home, I called everyone I knew who hadn't been at Glastonbury and cemented the truth restructure by running through my preferred versions of what happened. There's a bit of a time lag on this one, because you have to wait for the trenchfoot to go before you truly believe your story, but it is effective.
3. Don't move
Not even in perfect weather is it advisable to try and do everything that Glastonbury has to offer. You literally, physically, couldn't do that, and trying to will send you into potentially irreversible mania. The beauty of Glastonbury is that it can be enjoyed from the comfort of one little area that you've discovered and found agreeable. Especially if the mud is so bad that trying to walk from one stage to the next makes the Road look like a Disney cartoon. Keep it manageable, find tented entertainment, and don't put pressure on yourself to do anything other than have a good time.
4. Steal some anti-depressants
I'm joking! Nobody takes drugs at Glastonbury. Go to Holland and Barrett on your way to the festival and pick yourself up some St. John's Wort. That will do the trick.
5. Embrace it
Also known as 'let it be', 'zen' or 'the way'. When life gives you torrential rain and soft ground trampled by a hundred thousand pairs of feet, make mud slides. YOU could be the guy on the front page of some newspaper on Monday; YOU could be the conversational common ground between some bewildered parent and their festival-crazy teen ("I hope his mother doesn't have to wash that" etc)...You could be one of the immortal party dudes that make Glastonbury what it is. There's probably a club for you guys. Go on. Get really, really filthy. It'll be...memorable!
6. Leave early
Of course, you could always go home on Saturday and watch the rest on TV.
7. Be prepared
OK, so this is the most important point, and I know this because I've just been to four camping shops, and in every one I've seen someone enter in sheer panic and leave with a smug look on their face. I did too. You're going to need waterproofs - we know that now - and warm clothes. You should probably just buy a whole bag of pants and a half a gallon of socks. Bring wetwipes, nurofen, water bottles, hand sanitiser...Bring enough snacks and alcohol so if there's a storm you can spend the entire duration in your tent. And get something that you would enjoy wearing on your feet and on your body. If a poncho is your thing, find a poncho. I just accosted Don Letts on Kensington High Street and asked him his advice for rain-proofing. He gave me a tip and now I'm the proud owner of massive foldaway Muji mac that makes me look like the person who did it last summer. It delighted me, or I wouldn't have bought it. Find something that delights you, even if it's just for decoration.
And bring sunglasses. There's always hope.