It is 7am in the Daily Mirror offices. The editorial board is meeting. There is a hushed silence broken only by a man hacking up phlegm.

"It’s a big day today, troops!" booms the editor, wearing his special editor’s hat. "This is like 9/11 and pancake day rolled into one."

"What’s going on boss?" asks a mousy journalist with a pencil stuck behind her ear. "Has Piers Morgan prolapsed yet?"

"This isn’t about Piers," sneers the editor. "This is real news. We’re going to take down Public Enemy Number One. El Jefe del Mar."

There is a gasp. A Dickensian child faints. "Not… him?" whimpers a rat-faced picture editor. "Yes!" screams the editor. "STEVE WRIGHT."

The Ride of the Valkyries blares out. Rain hammers down. Thunder booms. A photo of Radio 2 DJ Steve Wright is beamed onto a wall.

"Know your enemy," hisses the editor. "Examine his face. Look into his eyes, drink deep of his soul. We will take the fucker down."

"Sure thing boss," bleats mouse girl. "But… Steve Wright. He’s a big fish. This guy is massive. He’s like a God. He invented music."

"We’ve killed God before. We’ll kill God again. Now, what do we know about this scumbag?" The editor is now sporting an unsightly erection.

"He eats food," says a masked man in the corner. "Crazy food! Jacket potatoes. Scrambled eggs! Bacon! The guy is nuts!"

"This is primo stuff," cackles the editor, now openly wanking. "What else have we got?"

"He loves radio. He actually listens to shows that aren’t his own!" adds the masked man. "This guy is a fucking sicko!" shrieks the editor.

"On Fridays he visits his mum in Surrey," says the deputy editor, who is just an ant dressed as a man. "The smoking gun!" cries the editor.

"This is amazing!" shrieks the editor. "After all these years! All those long, lonely decades! We’ve done it! We’ve got him!"

Lightning strikes the building. The editor’s face is illuminated, white against the black sky. He cums into his hands, shrieking, dancing.

You may think this story is fictional. But it’s true. All true. See here: http://is.gd/hSaltk