Daniel Handler Helps You

Lemony Snicket, aka Daniel Handler, has taken over our Twitter to give love advice.

  1. Hello, strangers. This is Daniel Handler, aka Lemony Snicket, finally able to pursue my dream career: free advice.
  2. Love is like promoting a book: every so often, after a long day, you think, what in the world am I doing with you?
  3. Q: "His friends say he likes me but he was burned by an ex. We have sleepovers, but he won't make a move. What gives?" #DHhelpsU
  4. A: Where did the ex burn him, exactly? This might be a medical condition.
  5. Q: "My boyfriend is Chaser on my intramural Quidditch team, and he's awful. Under what circumstances is it okay to murder him?" #DHhelpsU
  6. A: If you’re both in a fantasy novel. Join the real world; the villains are worse and the martinis are better.
  7. Q: "Help! I need some good Valentine's Day date ideas!" #DHhelpsU A: Stay in. Make gimlets. Watch Nosferatu. Repeat and fade.
  8. Q: "What is the best love song ever?" #DHhelpsU A: “Mean To Me," the Julie London version.
  9. Q: "I have a crush on a work superior who I probably am not allowed to go out with. What should I do?" #DHhelpsU
  10. A: Say to him, “Your Holiness, this is awkward, but...”
  11. Q: "How can you make sure my spouse puts the utensils in the dishwasher the *right* way?" #1stWorldProblems #DHhelpsU
  12. A: Unless “puts the utensils in the dashwasher” is a euphemism, you are beyond help.
  13. Q: "I'm so sick of being single! How can I find a date?" #DHhelpsU
  14. A: Desperation is like a spilled drink: even if it's delicious, no one will get near it. Cultivate an aura of glamorous unapproachability.
  15. Q: "I've never been in a relationship. What should I say when people are sharing their sorrows and I have none?" #DHhelpsU
  16. A: “This reminds me of what happened between Anna Karenina and Count Vronsky.”
  17. Elsewhere, Melissa Pickett comments...
  18. Reading #DHHelpsU tweets. Daniel Handler could make a fairly decent advice-tweeter if this whole "writing" thing doesn't work out.
  19. Back to the advice.
  20. Q: "My husband eats so much, no matter how much I make, there are never any leftovers for lunch. Help!" #DHhelpsU
  21. A: “I’ll have the double hamachi roll, and two uni nigiri.”
  22. A: Every day the coffee’s bitter no matter how much sugar goes in...
  23. A: ...The shower is clammy and even the cheeriest music is a dirge...
  24. A:...Every coat’s itchy and too small, like they took part of your body with them...

Did you find this story interesting? Be the first to or comment.

Liked!
Total views
16,292

Storify

@Storify